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FRENCH DIP

By CHRIS BUNTING

November 29, 2005 -- CREAM off a good rags-to-riches story? Take the hi-speed ferry from slummy Sint Maarten to shiny St. Barthelemy and you’ll star in your very own.

As the Dutch side of Saint Martin continues to decay into a casino-clogged, good-weather ghetto plagued by crime, poverty and pollution, St. Barts magically maintains an island-wide standard of living that rivals the Cote d’Azur.

You’ve undoubtedly seen the eight square mile French Caribbean island in supermarket tabloids as the backdrop for Diddy’s annual yacht jaunt, or where tennis babe Anna Kournikova was photographed inspecting her yellow bikini bottom.

Who can blame them? St. Barts’ virtues are countless. The 6,000 or so residents, bronzed in a European-meets-Caribbean skin tone, are as gorgeous as they are libertine, often found tanning on one of a dozen "top"-tional beaches along side the equally attractive tourists. The hilly landscape, traversed by buzzing motor scooters and mini European cars that are basically front seats on wheels, is squeaky clean. The cuisine, mostly Creole but including everything from hamburgers to Vietnamese and tapas everywhere you turn, is nothing short of outstanding. Upscale boutiques like Hermes, Louis Vatton and Christian Dior are a dream come true for shop-a-holics with champagne tastes. And there’s absolutely no crime (assuming the selling of $15 ham sandwiches isn’t a crime).

It’s precisely this exclusivity and extreme hygiene that compels the more cynical travel writers among us to accuse St. Barts of being fake ("dollhouse" and "construct" are recent descriptions I’ve found), as if the island’s nothing more than a movie set façade, collapsed and stowed away when the celebs leave.

But it lives. It breathes. And it’s very real indeed. People get up in the morning, nibble on a breakfast baguette and go about their workday just like anywhere else in the world — albeit much more enviably. Once supported by the salt and fishing industries, it’s true St. Barts now runs on the same life blood that any Caribbean island runs on: tourism.

What separates St.Barth’s from the pack is that its unapologetically elitist infrastructure — a combination of prohibitively expensive land, strictly enforced development laws that keep buildings jiving with the island’s Gallic aesthetic (red painted roofs, nothing over two stories high) and a high cost of living (rent is 800 euros a month at the lowest) — keeps out the usual tourist trappings like casinos and golf courses, not to mention the poor (the only homeless on St. Barts either snuck aboard a ferry, or, more conspiratorially, were shipped out by a nearby island).

Even the water here is pricey. Its dry, nearly rainless Aruba-esque climate (peep the cacti) forces the island to use expensive desalinization plants — although this past rainy season was very wet, leaving St. Barts unusually verdant.

Its only downside then, if it must have one, is that it’s hard to do on the cheap (more our problem than theirs). Hard, but not impossible.

Hotels (there are no resorts) fall into two categories in the high season: Those with rooms starting at over 200 euros ($236) a night, and those inching just below. Surprisingly, we found at least ten of the latter. So have your pick, but come after the hectic and much more expensive holidays (not that you had a choice).

SUNSET HOTEL

Gustavia

Over the span of weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, the harbor in the island’s capital of Gustavia becomes infested with yachts and the celebs who charter (and pretend to own) them – expect as many as 300 yachts over Christmas. The best place to spy on the onboard shenanigans is from the balcony of the two star Sunset hotel, located literally across the street from where the ferries dock. Its studio-sized rooms are more than adequate – each with a mini bar, TV with 4 channels (all in French), hand-held nozzle in the shower – but come 6 a.m., when the screeching roar of scooters begins right outside your door, and you’ll start to realize why they’re so cheap (from $127, [590] 590 27 77 21).

HOTEL LE VILLAGE

St. Jean

Forty years ago, plantation owner Andre Charneau had the wacky idea that people would one day want to visit a tiny, arid, nearly empty rock of an island that saw maybe one flight a day — so he built one of St. Barts first hotels. Today, Charneau’s family-run property serves the those tourists he dreamt of (Greta Garbo was one of the early ones). Le Village’s spacious rooms and cottages sit up on the same hill the Tropical does, offering the same awesome view of the turquoise Caribbean. And the hotel is offering a deal EXCLUSIVELY for New York Post Travel readers: Dubbed the "Tino" special (named for the property’s dog/PR manager), guests who book a pre-Thanksgiving stay of at least three nights will get a complimentary rental car (from $223, villagestjeanhotel.com).

TROPICAL HOTEL

St. Jean

This modest and very pink hillside hotel lives up to its name maybe a bit too much – a full on jungle pretty much sums up the landscaping (but it sure smells good). Step out from the vegetation, however, and you’ll get an amazing view of the sea wherein photogenic rock formations sit. The onsite oval pool is small but clean and the staff is friendly, plus you’re only 40 yards to the beach (from $218, tropicalhotel.net).

LA PRESQU’ILE

Gustavia

Described to me by more than one resident as "the closet thing St. Barts has to a housing project", La Presqu’ile is the island’s cheapest stay. Its dreary paintpeeling motelish appearance is one of the clues as to why. But its location, opposite Sunset right on the harbor, keeps it competitive and half of its ten rooms were booked when I visited in the shoulder season. Also, the A/C and television make the conditions livable (from $47, [590] 590 27 64 60).

HOSTELLERIE DES 3 FORCES

Morne de Vitet

Off in its own little world both physically and metaphysically, this "hotel of three forces" (that would be body, mind and soul, FYI) is owned and operated by chef-cum-astrologer Hubert Delamotte. Each of the 12 rooms (most of which have kitchenettes, all have terraces) has a unique Zodiac theme: the Libra room is "balanced" in a peaceful blue scheme while the room of the Scorpio, symbolic of the erotic, has a painting of a naked woman and an electric mosquito swatter for who knows what. Delamotte, who once upon a time was a renowned chef in both Paris and New York, came up with the idea after hanging out with a group pf Hindu mystics and shamans. "I actually believe in this crap," he confessed. The property’s unobstructed eastward view of the Atlantic – which would include Africa if the Earth were flat – is one of the prettiest in St. Barts (from $190; 3forces.net).

LE P’TIT MORNE

Colombie

A cheapie hotel in the secluded Colombie Beach area (offsetting the not so budget friendly 400 euro/night rooms at nearby Francois Plantation), the hillside Le P’tite Morne is simple, quiet and offers views of the dozen small island formations off of the northwest corner of St. Barts. There are 14 apartment-styled rooms with balconies, including the recently added "New Moon" suite, and a pool overlooking the Atlantic. The only problem is getting here – the road out is steep, narrow and bumpy (not fun at night), and you’re a good 15 minutes from Gustavia (rooms from $192; timorne.com).

LA NORMANDIE

L’Orient

Booked by young couples living in St. Barts saving for an apartment and frugal travelers alike, La Normadie is basically one long, ground-level hallway posing as a hotel that stretches back from a busy street, with eight small rooms and an above ground pool that’s as sexy as it sounds (you’re better off with the beach, a two minute walk away). Rooms have TV, A/C and showers (from $68; [590] 590 27 73 78).

HOTEL LES MOUETTES

L’Orient

A beachfront cluster of seven cottages lying on a beaten up lawn compose this property whose name means "the gulls" in French (ironically, animals aren’t allowed). The stretch of beach it’s on isn’t as nice as what you have in St. Jean or the Grand Cul-de-Sac, but that’s reflected in its lower rate. You’re close to a number of small shops and restaurants (JoJo Burger, most importantly). Its studios are air conditioned and have kitchenettes, and there’s an onsite gift shop that sells sunglasses and T-shirts (from $159, [590] 590 27 77 91).

LE MANOIR DE MARIE

L’Orient

From the outside, the eight cottages that comprise Manoir appear old school Antillean bucolic – but on closer interior inspection, there’s a more prominent feminine French touch. Most everything here, from the pink curtains to the wooden furniture to the courtyard’s statues and fountain, are from France. Subtle features differentiate the cottages from one another – La Fontaine has a four-post bed and outdoor shower while the Nicolas unit, popular with the honeymooners, has a more medieval feel to it with stone floors and dim lighting. And the Manoir’s friendly female managers are as lovely to talk with as they are to look at (from $153; lemanoirstbarth.com).

AUBERGE DE LA PETITE ANSE

Anse de Flamands

Oft overlooked because of its proximity to more well known sites like Baie Des Anges and the luxe Isle de France, the Auberge has 16 so so bungalows situated right over a very rocky and rough coastline, all with A/C and kitchenettes (from $160/night; [590] 590 27 64 89).

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